June 2, 2011: Deja Vu

Heaveno!

Tomorrow morning, I get in my minivan at roughly the same hour, and drive the exact same route on almost the same day as last year when I embarked for Minnesota.  I think it was June 8 last year.  The first day, I drove to Salt Lake City and stayed at the Red Lion Downtown.  I'm driving there again tomorrow.  This time, I'm picking up two of my colleagues along the way, but I am choosing to drive in order to experience the beauty of Utah just one more time.  Next spring's regional music therapy conference is in SLC, so last year, I combined a site visit with my trip to MN to kill two birds with one stone!  This year, we have are annual mid-year meeting at the location of the next conference, so here we go again to SLC!  The drive up I-15 from St. George, UT is just beautiful.  It's just blazing through the rest of the desert of CA, NV, and AZ to get there that one has to get through first!

Today, I have been feeling some pangs of regret, like wishing it were this time last year and somehow, some way, things could have gone differently.  I miss Bella so much, it just kills me sometimes. Usually about once a day.  I just look at her pictures and just apologize.  "I know, I know," I tell myself, "You made the best decision you could, given all the information you had at the time..."  Sometimes, that line just feels like BS.  Sometimes, I don't want to be strong.  Sometimes, I don't want to do the requisite cognitive reframing in the moment.  Sometimes, I just want to feel BAD about the whole thing.

As Julian approaches 28 weeks tomorrow, I know that when he arrives, so much will change yet again, and the presence of a baby will snap us into the present on a moment by moment basis.  Still, I am afraid to leave Bella behind in the bustle.

One other thing that is really wrenching at me is my photo collection of Bella.  At the end of each post, I put up a picture from roughly the same time last year, just to keep the memory alive.  This was really the "sweet spot" of Bella in her development.  She was just so serene and sweet this time last year.  Come the end of this month, I will be out of pictures of her living and smiling and connecting with those eyes.  In my iPhoto program, I can filter my pics by "Last 12 months" and I usually pick the best picture of Bella from that time.  This habit has been very therapeutic for me with this blog since she died.  I feel like I'm about to lose her all over again, in just another little way.

In other news...

I had the honor and privilege of being interviewed yesterday on Deborah Wilson's blogtalk radio show "Angels and Prosperity." I gotta learn to tell stories with a little more brevity!  LOL.  I really went deep with some of my stories, because Deborah left the flow really open, so off we went!  It felt so great getting to share how music has been the net that has held first me, then others, then finally Bella, throughout some of the toughest of life and death moments.  I am so grateful to receive music and to give music; it is such an amazing gift.  Deborah really encouraged me to share how that thread of music has woven throughout my adult life to guide me to the best version of me I can be.  Thank you, Deborah!  Click on the link above to listen!

I have to go now.  I still have to pack, it's 10:15, and I have to be up at 4.

Two quick things...

I'm going to start posting on Sun Tue Thur again.

Also, I re-opened the commenting to anyone.  What made this blog worth valuable to Ang and me was the connection BACK from you all through the comments.  I failed to maintain my own self control on my own blog a couple of months back and lashed out at a blog follower.  I never should have done that.  Ever.  If that person is still reading my blog,  I apologize.  Please forgive me.  I learned a valuable lesson.  I may write this blog, but Angelique also reads it daily and we both are truly touched by all of your wonderful thoughts, wishes, and comments as we seek to honor Bella by making the path for all other kids with EB (and their parents) easier through funding research that hopefully leads to a cure.  By recoiling and building up walls to protect my ego and my feelings, I pushed all of you away.  I am sorry for doing that.

Please, if you haven't in a while, drop us a line and let us know how YOU are doing and WHERE you are.  That contributed SO MUCH to us knowing you and where you play this game called life.

Much love and respect,

God night.