October 14, 2013: Bella's Wings turn 3, and mommy and daddy celebrate life...

Heaveno!

Sorry I'm late with this post; we just got home from a much needed getaway.  Angelique's half brother got married last night in Atlantic Beach, FL, and we were there to celebrate.  After considering the cost of 4 plane tickets, we decided to ask grandma and grandpa if they would watch the kids and we would use this trip as our upcoming 10th anniversary weekend.  The real date is November 8, but we couldn't take that romantic getaway we envisioned 3 weeks after a trip across country, so we decided to combine the two!  

The wedding was in the sand at high tide just before sunset.  It was magical.  We flew out 2 days before the wedding for our own little couple time, which was really nice.  However, Friday wasn't just any old day to travel on... It was, well, October 11th, the day Bella earned her butterfly wings 3 years ago.  I remember being holed up in my hotel room last year outside of Chicago getting ready to teach a continuing ed course for music therapists, and how miserable I was.  

All I can say is this year was decidedly different.

Cards from our friends at Children's Cancer Research Fund (PUCK's parent organization), and Ronald McDonald House... two organizations that are pure class...

First, Angelique and I were together.  As a family, our relationship and partnership comes first, over all others, including our children.  So, being together on Friday helped, but at the same time, neither of us we're dreading the day the same as the past two years.  There has been a lot of healing going on over the past year, and we are both in that phase - after you feel bad for so long, and you start to feel good - then, you feel bad because you are starting to feel good again... If you've lost a loved one before, you may know what that's like.  It's weird.  

When working on the grief retreat year after year, one of things I counsel participants on is the fact that you don't forget your loved one, it's just that the pain and sting connected to the memories fades over time, and you are left with the memories, and sometimes they may make you happy, and sometimes sad, but that jab of pain doesn't have to last.  In fact, it's normal and natural for that feeling to come, hang out, and then over time, recede.... If we're willing to face the feelings, acknowledge them, FEEL them, and then be willing to release them.

Well, we're moving through our grief, and this year, October 11 wasn't nearly as bad as last year, and for that I am grateful.  It will always suck, don't get me wrong, the scar is permanent, but thank God it hurts less and less with each passing year.

The piece that is hardest to deal with is that, while all that sting is receding, I feel somehow farther and farther away from Bella.  I miss her.  I will always cherish the 13 months we had with her before she was intubated, but I wish I got to see her amazing personality develop more before losing her.  Having her only words be "Noooo!" And "Owwww," really bites.  Can't fake that one.

Meanwhile, life keeps flying.  Ali has brownies tonight, Ang is working and traveling like crazy for a big project, and I'm hosting this year's TEDx youth event this Saturday, and officiating a wedding on Sunday!  I hate the phrase, "Life goes on," but it does, and we can remain frozen in grief / frozen in time, or we can choose to move through time, remaining connected to those still with us, while honoring the memories of those who will be waiting for us when we earn our wings.

Every time I am on a plane, as it leaves the runway, I say a little prayer to God, relinquishing any illusion of control of my life while in the air.  I close my eyes and see Bella, and see my dad, and know that if this be the day I return home, I will see them shortly.  However, I'm not done down here, so if I might put in a request, it would be for me to return to land safely.  There is more good work to be done.  More books to publish, more talks to give, more songs to sing, and more people to hopefully touch in a positive way.  Like at the end of the movie, "Gladiator," the freed slave says to his ancestors and loved ones, "I WILL see you again...

... But not yet.  Not yet."  

God night. 

October 6, 2013: Transformation...

Heaveno!

Friday marked a big day.

My second book went off to layout design.

As a recovering perfectionist, that was one of those emails that has literally taken YEARS to send.

The book is a prequel to Bella's Blessings, and was actually began in 2003.  I finished it in 2007, found a literary agent who shopped it unsuccessfully in 2008/2009, and then shelved it.

I was crushed by the rejection.  I can still remember some of the feedback from publishers it was sent to.  I will say agent gave up pretty quickly on me; they stopped sending it out after they got about 6 no's.  That's not a lot, but the vibe they were getting was that I was basically a nobody, and the book is a memoir, and nobody is going to pick up a memoir by a nobody.  Said another way, celebrity memoirs sell great, but I "didn't have a big enough platform" to sell from.

Well, then I wrote Bella's Blessings, and self-published.  I figured, okay, I'll publish myself, and that way my tiny little platform can at least experience and benefit from my book.  So, I sold a few hundred books, donated some money to some different charities before coming on board and making PUCK the main beneficiary, and got some nice letters about the inspiration people experienced reading it.

My plan was to release this book sooner, but I honestly lost faith in it after one of the comments from one of the publishers.  The publisher said, "he's got a great marketing plan, now he just needs to write a better book."  I let the comment persuade me that the book wasn't good.  So, it just sat.

Now, I mentioned that I'm a recovering perfectionist, right?  I also have a pretty thin skin, so dealing with rejection was just something I didn't want to deal with again.  I have recently learned that fear of rejection is one of the principal human fears we all struggle with.  I felt better after hearing that.

In addition, I recently made friends with another young speaker like myself, who also has a book out.  His book was an amazon top seller, so I picked his brain on how he did it, and he helped me a ton.  For one, the self-publishing business has changed a bunch since I released Bella's Blessings in 2009.  Can you believe that?  THREE years?  Things move so fast now, it's just amazing.

So, my friend explained to me that there is a specific launch strategy that authors and publishers use to get books to post on best seller lists. I had heard T. Harv Ecker share this exact same strategy at a seminar 3 years ago, and now that I know a little more about it all, it makes a lot of sense.  I also heard a hilarious comment from Robert Kiyosaki, author of Rich Dad/Poor Dad.  He was talking to a reporter who was a struggling author.  The author was complaining her books 'weren't going anywhere.' He suggested she take a sales training course and maybe study direct marketing.  The author was offended.  Then, he pointed out that on the cover of his book, it reads, "New York Times Best-Selling Author" NOT "Best-Writing Author."  At this point, the would be author huffed off indignantly.

He reminded me in that story a piece of truth I learned in the music business which is that talent and success are not correlated.  In fact, it seems like they are inversely related!  Have you heard Robin Thicke's single?  Really?  It is the most successful single of the year, but is it the most talented?  I'd argue it's pretty far from that! LOL.  Point being, "TIM, PUBLISH YOUR BOOK.  FOR GOODNESS SAKE, IT'S GOOD ENOUGH."

I titled the post Transformation because that is what the book is all about.  It is a collection of short stories from my life where I transformed some situation from tragedy into triumph.  Some of the stories are light-hearted and funny, and some are pretty intense.  These stories represent the "training ground" where I developed my 'faith muscles.'  Everything that happened in that book led me to be the dad I could be for Bella, and because YOU specifically read THIS blog, you will make that connection more than anyone else who reads the book.

As the recovering perfectionist, I also struggled with the fact that I have written over 500 blog posts on this blog not including Bella's Blessings since I wrote that book, and I'm pretty sure through all that practice, my writing has hopefully improved, so the book might not read well to those who have been following my later works.  It's like listening to an artists' first record that didn't blow up until after their 3rd record finally charted.  You go back and listen to their early material, and sometimes it sounds a bit immature by comparison.  I have a real fear that people will think that about this book, and that is another reason I held onto it.  I wouldn't have to find out if that was the truth or just my fear if I never released it.

Have you ever had a fear that once confronted, wasn't a tenth of what you painted it out to be?  In other words, what's one thing you feared would happen, and when the day came, your fear never materialized?  It's one thing to have fear, that's natural.  But how often do you interrogate your fear?  What is the probability of it happening?  I get stuck focusing on a fear that maybe has a 5% chance of happening and magnifying that fear until it looks like 95% of the picture.

Hate when I do that.

Did you know I wrote and recorded and entire solo album in 2008, and then got caught up in the same conversation about it not being good enough?  It goes with the book; the songs are related to many of the stories and some are straight out of the stories themselves.

I also created 2 7-module training guides for music therapists to help them get their career off the ground and running faster, but only published the first half of it, and have barely let anyone know it exists.  That was in 2011.

Man I really get scared easily.  I'm a creative person; I need to create.  I create, but then I get too scared that my stuff isn't good enough, so I hide it, so I never have to find out.

Hahahaha I feel like I just outed myself or something.  I think I am sharing all this because I can't bear to sit on all these creative works any more.  I have to get them out, imperfect and all, and allow them to create value for those who they will benefit, and let the market decide if they are any good or not.  I have ben so afraid of failure, that I have guaranteed it.  I have been hearing A LOT lately that the way to succeed is to out-fail everyone else you compete with in the marketplace.

That is a complete transformation of thought from where I have been hiding on the sidelines.

Having said alllllll that, I have a favor to ask.  I am struggling with my title.  Now that you know what the book is about, would you mind telling me what title you like better?

1)  "Full Circle:  Life Lessons in Transforming Tragedy into Triumph"  

or

2)  "Count Your Blessings: Life Lessons in Transforming Tragedy into Triumph"

Thanks for your replies to this.  I end a couple of the short stories with the concept of the story coming full circle, but "Count Your Blessings: memoirs of an 'unlucky kid," was my very first title, and while the second half of the title doesn't tell as much as the new second half, "count your Blessings" totally fits the stories, and ties "Bella's Blessings" to this book.

Okay, I'm gonna shut up now.

Thanks for helping me deal with all this.  It's all been slamming around in my head for far too long.

God night.

September 29, 2013: Meet our friends and neighbors, HEAL EB!

Heaveno!


Holy cow.  Boy, is summer over.



What I'm specifically referring to is the pace of fall... back to school, church school, brownies, music lessons, etc.  We are r-u-n-n-i-n-g from week to week right now.  Don't ask me how we are planning anything if it is more than a week out.  We don't have an answer!  LOL.  Tuesday was school pictures already!  Friday was school campout, Saturday was Church concert at our regional retreat center... feeling like a gerbil on a wheel right now.



Please tell me this is happening to you, too?

Speaking of questions, thanks for the responses to my latest question!  I inevitably pushed a few buttons in my effort to hear from you all who have walked with us for so long.  Over the past two weeks, I've asked very specific questions in an effort to just hear more about who you are and what you are up to.  I like conversation because it's interactive.  Blogging isn't quite the same, and I'm going to try on my part to continue to ask questions to spark dialogue... and I promise to tone it down and retire the "lurker" comment.  It's a word that can actually be taken offensively, and even though I don't mean it that way, consider it retired.



Back to the subject of this post.  Meet our friends, Heather and Ryan Fullmer!  They founded Heal EB, a non-profit to fund EB research and raise awareness.  Their son, Michael, has EB.  They are from northern California, but recently moved down to Orange County, where we live, and are really only about 15 minutes from us!

We had the chance to get together a while back for breakfast and I think I might have mentioned them before.  Michael is absolutely adorable, and it was great to see Ali and him play, since Ali is a vet when it comes to hanging with a kid with bandages.  She didn't even bat an eye.  Ryan and I have been keeping in touch pretty regularly and they are throwing their first EB awareness event down here in Orange County coming up in early October.  If you live here locally, will you consider coming out and supporting them?  Unfortunately, Angelique and I will be out of town at Ang's little brother's wedding in Florida, so we can't make it.  However, it's at the Discovery Science Center, which is always a fun day/night out for any family.  If you haven't made a trip there recently, please consider making your pilgrimage there for this event so we can help continue to support EB research!

You can learn more about them at www.healeb.org

God night!

September 22, 2013: What's a boy gotta do?

Heaveno!

What's a boy gotta do to get some interaction around here???

2 comments?  Sheesh!  I was hoping for a little more than that!  Oh well, Lurk on. ;-)

What a week.

What an AMAZING week.

On Tuesday, Ang, my good friend and ROCK STAR music therapy colleague Kat Fulton, and I went to a business/success seminar at the Anaheim Convention Center.  We saw Les Brown (amazing), Terry Bradshaw (so-hilarious-you-swore-he'd-been-drinking), Tom Hopkins (educational and funny), and many others, but the highlight (for me) was definitely Mark Kelly.  It was pretty cool when he introduced his wife, Gabby Giffords as well, but I wanted to hear from Mark.



You probably know Gabby's story, but I don't know if you know Mark's.  As you know Congresswoman Giffords was shot in the head and pronounced dead while Mark and his family were enroute to see her.  Imagine seeing CNN pronounce your spouse dead on national TV while you are racing to see them one last time.  How messed up is that?  What a roller coaster that must have been for the whole family.  Anyway, in addition to being Gabby's caregiver, Mark was the shuttle commander of the Endeavor for its final journey into space.  While Gabby was in the hospital, he piloted that thing into space, to the space station, and back again.  What kind of superhuman focus does THAT take???

One of the most inspiring things he shared was this:

How you start out in something is not a good indicator of success.

After Commander Kelly's first landing on an aircraft carrier long before becoming an astronaut, his commanding officer asked him, "Are you sure you want to do this as a career?"  NOT the most inspiring comment your C.O. could make.  He went on to share that he was not really a good pilot... at first, but he worked his ____ off and rose through the ranks, flew in the Iraq war, and eventually went to NASA.  Not too shabby for a poor starter.  It gave me a lot of confidence, and reminded me that it's not how you start, it's how you finish.  It ain't where you been, it's where you're goin'.



I ran into a fellow TEDx speaker coach at the event as well.  We are both coaching teens that are giving TEDx talks next month.  One of the opportunities for further training and development was for a stock trading course, which she signed up for, and then invited me as her guest!  So, yesterday and today, we attended a 2 day course on learning how to trade stocks and how to take back control over our investment and retirement accounts.  It was so empowering!  As you know, this past year I have really taken on growing my ability to understand and manage money better than ever.  Since May, I have learned a lot, and I still have a lot to learn.  However, I am sooo grateful that ANY OF US can change course in ANY area of life AT ANY TIME if we simply choose to.  It really is awesome.  I have never felt better about my understanding and relationship with money... which is kind of important, right?

I don't want to retire broke, and the statistics in the US about how many people will retire broke today is alarming.  Plus, I don't want to feel stupid when it comes to being a good steward of the money we are working so hard to squirell away!  So this weekend, my colleague and I had the blinders torn off us!  It was so liberating!  I now understand how people make money in the stock market, and folks, holy cow, it is not nearly as confusing as I made it out to be in my head.

One of the amazing things I love is life long learning.  It is great to know that if there is something you want to get better at, you can just go out and read a book, subscribe to a magazine or website, take a course or seminar, hire a mentor or coach, etc.  NOBODY is stopping you or me from learning ANYTHING we want.  I know it is not like this everywhere in the world, and I am grateful for this privilege.

In addition to attending two totally inspiring events, I had the opportunity to give TWO talks this week on the benefits of music therapy.  I love teaching people about what I call "the third space for music." In our culture, music occupies two spaces in most people's head: entertainment and education.  To literally create "a third space" in people's head for music is such a great experience, because everyone intuitively knows what I'm talking about since we all use music therapeutically already!

On the home front, Ang had to go to Houston this weekend to deliver some training for her company, and the feedback was off the charts!  I'm so proud of her.  She is kicking butt and taking names in her job right now (as if she ever isn't... the girl has the most amazing professional work ethic and track record... she constantly inspires me to be better at everything I do).

Ali started Brownies!  Holy cow, seeing her in her Brownie vest... what a big girl she's become!  Second grade is going well; she loves her new teacher.  Back to school night was this past week, too, and I have to agree with Ali about her new teacher... she rocks!  Super organized and totally laid back at the same time... great combination.

Julian is running faster and faster by the day, and he runs his mouth even faster!  (The apple doesn't fall far from the tree).  I am home with him part time right now, and it is so much fun; it feels illegal!  He is just such a blessing; I am beyond tickled to play/watch/read hours and hours of Thomas and Friends!

So... what area of life do YOU want to learn more / get better at?

God night.

September 15, 2013: What is YOUR central question?

Heaveno!

What is the question you seek to answer each day?

Mine is the following:

"How do I inspire a million people a year EVERY year?"

I ask this question every morning as a part of my morning ritual of powerful questions, statements, meditation, and planning.  I feel like if I can deliver on this, then I will be of good use to God and his children.

Do you HAVE a central, primary question that drives you, guides you?

If so, what is it?

If not, what would it be?

Take a moment to think, create, and share.  This community has been lurking a little too much lately and not commenting... which is partly my fault for not engaging you with questions to answer I guess.

I look forward to reading your comments!

God night.