Sorry for the tardy post again... the bed just looked so much more inviting than my office chair after J-Man fell asleep in my arms in the glider last night! LOL.
I can feel it.
It's a conundrum; it's anticipatory grief of a grief milestone... lame! Yesterday, I needed to process on the phone with my spiritual advisor in the morning, and the chaplains by lunch time to keep me focused and present enough to do my job at the hospital. There are these shards of awareness that come flashing into my brain about just how awful last summer was, and as each time I write the date in the header, my computer auto-populates the last time I typed that date in there, today was Day +90, and things were pretty intense.
It feels so long ago, like a distant nightmare. But the sadness, just sheer sadness remains. I wish I could say that I am present to the miracles, the inspiration, the legacy, the blessings, but unfortunately the sadness prevails. I stay moving (remember our mantra for survival in MN? "Keep moving"), and I know that the sheer motion I keep myself in helps for two reasons... one, it brings me into contact with new experiences that often do contain happiness, wonder, and discovery, and two, there is an element of being afraid of being swallowed whole by the despair if I stop. I just figure if I keep creating the most inspiring context I can, this will keep my legs moving, and cause some positive ripples in the process.
On the home front, the evil house guest Thrush may just be starting to vacate, but not without leaving its mark. What a nasty thing candida is. Just plain mean. Thanks for all the encouragement on the gentian violet. Ang had bought it, and wasn't happy with the reaction it had with her when she first used it, but was willing to give it a second chance, and is now using it on her and in Julian's mouth, and it seems to be working.
One interesting overlap between Bella and Julian is because of the Thrush, Ang has had to eliminate just about all dairy and sugar from her diet, so we are back to a very alkaline diet and Ang is dropping her baby weight like a bad habit, and it's keeping me skinny, too! That and not going out to eat anymore... that always helps!
Tonight is Ali's elementary school's fall camp out. We are really excited because we live down the street from the school and have observed this giant event for 5 years now from the outside, and now we get to experience it from the inside. Of course, not just the inside, but from the center as I volunteered to be the DJ/MC and lead a family campfire drum circle for all the kids. I figure, I know how to, I have all kinds of awesome instruments that don't get played nearly enough, so why not? I know I'm gonna get hit with "Do you do birthday parties?" and I am toying with whipping up a flyer to have on hand just in case that says, "Drumtastic Birthday Parties," then have some other music therapists actually work the parties, and earn some extra cash that way... why not?
I told you I would tell you more about the trip, long story short, my car started dying on the way out of AZ, and had to turn around and leave it in AZ. Trouble was, I was asked to sing at a memorial the following day in OC, so I hopped on a plane that morning while my buddy Jim dropped my car off at the dealer. Took a cab to church, (luckily had my guitar and a suit on me) played the memorial, then got dropped back off at the airport after the reception, flew back to AZ to pick up the car.... and it wasn't fixed. SO, my buddy lent me HIS car and I drove back to OC that night so I could bring Ali to see "A Dolphin Tale" on Sunday morning (I had PROMISED to take her Saturday, and her sobbing in the car as I walked into the airport terminal is something I won't soon forget).
The good news is the dealer, ABC Nissan in Phoenix, was a CLASS ACT on Monday, and repaired the car at no extra charge. So, my buddy Jim will drive it out here this weekend, visit his parents, then switch back with me on Sunday.
Okay. Gotta run... I have a long list of business items to get done today, and the rest of the camp out team is already setting up (my guilt meter spiked as I walked past them this morning on my way back home and they were lugging supplies in at 8 am!). Still gotta run to REI and pick up our rental tent as well! Ah, the gerbil knows how to keep running, doesn't he?
Check out the nice shade of lipstick... matches mommy's shirt!