When I was young, I used to play in the woods after school all year round. In the spring, summer, and fall, I can remember running full speed through the woods for what ever reason. I would be at full sprint when WHAM, my foot would get snagged by a root or vine and within a split second, I am flat on my face eating leaves. One second I am at full speed, and the next, stopped dead in my tracks.
This is the grief journey for me. Incidentally, in case you haven't noticed, I never stopped sprinting. :-) I don't go for a job, I go for a RUN. That is how I have always done life. This is a perfect metaphor for my days. Today, I went RUNNING through the morning, and WHAM, flat on my face after a phone call at lunch. 2 hours later, I slither off my couch to the coffee pot to infuse some energy back into me for the home stretch.
It can level me at any moment. I cry more over losing Bella now than ever before. The shock and numb has worn off and the sheer gaping wound in my heart just bleeds and bleeds and bleeds. I hate the pain. I rarely use that word, hate. More accurately, I am sick and tired of the pain. While there are millions of others who have had to endure pain in life for longer than me, I've never considered myself (nor has anyone else LOL) a "tough guy." 21 months of pain is quite enough. I'd like it to be over.
On a happier note, if you haven't heard, baby Anton in Russia has found himself a set of parents! Please go to their blog and share some much deserved love and support. I am overwhelmed by the capacity of love and strength in their hearts to seek out a child with EB. Absolutely inspirational. I bitch about my pain, and they are seeking it out. I am filled with humility.
Sorry I'm not my usual, upbeat self; the weight of EB has me down right now. I'll get up, I always do and always will. It's not whether you get knocked down in life, it's whether you get back up... AND it helps to have learned something while on your arse... :-o
Caught in the act of pulling off her "handages..."