Tuesday, February 15, 2011

February 15, 2011: Ups and Downs...

Heaveno!

First off, thanks for the love from the comments.  They made me feel good; I really appreciate it.

Well, the ups today HAS to be Ali's first karate class!  Hilarious.  I can't IMAGINE teaching karate to a pack of 4-5 year olds.  Wow.  Bless THAT guy's heart.  He didn't seem too excited about it either, frankly. LOL.  Ali was the only girl in her class, and I have no doubt she is going to kick some serious ass.  HA!  I couldn't resist... braggin' and all.  Just kiddin'.  Actually, it will be interesting to see if her girlie side or her competitive side show up.  At least she pays attention!  I'll be sure to get a picture in her outfit next time for the blog.
















The downs, well, I did better today overall with the downs for the most part.  Tonight, I started rehearsing for my studio session in April.  I sang and played guitar for the first time in what seemed like FOREVER.  I have been working on a new tune for quite a while trying to get all the guitar parts nicely connected, and I think I'm there, but as I started singing tonight, well, that was a little tough, because...

As I was looking through my music folder on my computer, a song titled, TOGETHER, was there.

... and I didn't recognize it.

I wrote it about grieving for the loss of my dad, and have used it in grief and loss groups several times.  As I tried to sing it, I couldn't.  First, because I was so sad I FORGOT about my own song.  But second, well, you read the lyrics and imagine me trying to sing these.  P.S. It was the first time I have tried to play this song since Bella died...


Together                                      by Tim Ringgold

As I sit and wonder where you’ve gone
I think of places and things that we’ve done…together
A million laughs a thousand tears
We faced it all through the years…together

Together is where we’ll be
Forever in memory
I honor you now and always
For now you have been set free
Together is where we’ll be
For all time in my memory
We’ve been through so much
And though we can’t touch
We’ll be together eternally

God has called you home while I stay
To roam through this journey my way…feeling alone
But I know you are with me
I feel you there when I’m in need…needing someone

Together is where we’ll stand
Walking with hand in hand
Alone but together
For now and forever
We’ll be together eternally
Together is where we’ll be
For all time in my memory
We’ve been through so much
And though we can’t touch
We’ll be together eternally
We’ll be together eternally

Yeah, I couldn't make it through, either.

I was telling Ang today that I feel like I have a bit of PTSD.  The memories that get triggered by random events are so powerful; it's like they electrocute my brain.  Sometimes, I feel the electricity shoot through my brain and down through my arms to my fingers.  Other times, I feel it shoot from either my heart up to my brain, or vice versa.  

Sucks.

Now the next line is totally gonna sound like a man thing to say, but I wish I were stronger.  So much stronger.  The pain and weakness I feel physically... I hate it.  I am so happy I am back in the gym again and back on track with reclaiming my physical strength, flexibility, and endurance.  I just want to BURY  these feelings of weakness.  

Yet, I know that is not the pathway to peace and healing.  The exercise is good for my body and my self esteem.  Those are important pieces of the equation.  I used to keep fit so that my body was a support system to my spirit and mind.  I could accomplish a lot largely because I had the health and vitality to pull off what my mind and spirit could conjure up.  Since losing that physical edge, I feel like I've lost some of my focus, peace, and confidence as well.  Seriously.  I know that now that I am back in a gym 5 days a week doing yoga, lifting weights, and running, my body will return slowly to a trimmer, firmer, stronger, more grounded, and flexible temple for my spirit and my mind.  

Treat your body like a temple.  Isn't that what scripture says?  I like that imagery.  Just the RESPECT it has me give my body when I think of it that way.. really great.

On that note, I am going to take care of my body by shutting up and getting some sleep.

God night.


12 comments:

  1. beautiful song...beautiful lyrics. My heart sank, and sank, and sank reading it. I miss Bella too. I find myself daily, looking up into the sky and sending her a kiss...I will always remember when Bella & I locked eyes and just smiled...love her beyond words.
    Always praying for you! Hoping I can make it this Saturday!
    love my fab & fav 4,
    nicole

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  2. So nice lyrics... good night, Tim!

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  3. Tim,
    Haven't commented in a while, but always following along. Stay strong and keep forging ahead!! I am so grateful for all of your efforts and am amazed by the successes so far. As parent of 2 "healthy" children, 1 EB child and a job as well, I just don't have the resources left at the end of the day to tackle EB large-scale like you are. I know my limits. Thank you for fighting the fight in ways I can't right now. I learn something new or think of something in a new way every time I visit here. Gentle hugs to you and your sweet family from ours.

    Adrienne Provost (Caroline, 5, Junctional EB)
    Palatine, IL

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  4. Hey Tim...I know the grief and have the same feelings about PTSD...thanks for being so open.
    It was just 8 years ago 2/13 my husband passed away and I relived the police coming to my door at 1am...in my Valentine PJ's...and then shock...what God gives us to protect us. For me and my children it doesn't go away, but we learn a new normal, we hope we learn compassion for others going through similar losses. God is good and He will sustain you and Ange and sweet Ali will be very special because of her baby sister, Bella. Hugs... Donna/NJ

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  5. BEAUTIFUL song. You will be able to sing it one day - and we will be glad to hear it (with our Kleenexes in hand!)

    Thanks again for sharing yourself with us and for all you are STILL doing for Bella!

    Love to the Ringgolds!
    Laura (for the Team)

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  6. Tim,

    I love that song. It brings tears to my eyes as I read it and think of you and Ang and Ali and what all of you are going thru. My heart breaks for you. Thank you for being so candid with us. It really helps to be able to hear how you get thru these earthly trials because, sooner or later, we all go thru something drastic and painful and it helps to know that it's possible to get thru those times in our lives.

    Lots of Love,
    Amber, Craig, Malorie, and Liam
    The McLaughlin Family, CA

    P.S. I am looking forward to seeing Ali in her karate uniform. I bet she is just adorable!!

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  7. After all you've been through, it would be no wonder if you had PTSD. Maybe excerising and strong will are not enough to see you through...maybe going to the doctor to get some "chemical" help wouldn't be a bad idea.

    Team Bella is here accompanying you.

    Love and hugs

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  8. Team Bella is here for you! When you are pushing through that exercise, close your eyes and imagine a huge circle of loving faces smiling at you. It's us.

    How is Ang?

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  9. Beautiful song...and of course you are not ready to sing it yet...
    I have a bad news: Martin, my son, didn't win the competition of the charity to choose to help at school; so PUCK will have to wait ... he is so disappointed!
    The good news: Arsenal won! I'm happy for you because I support Messi!
    Maybe five days of exercise is too much ...
    Love,
    Mariana,UK

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  10. Beautiful lyrics. I must admit I started crying before reading. I hope someday you will be able to sing it and may we be blessed to have a chance to listen.

    Sending my love to all and sweet kisses for Ali.

    Denise WI

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  11. Hey Tim Awesome--

    I am glad to hear that you are hitting the gym so often these days. Everything you said is true and it is amazing what exercise can do for the psyche. Thanks for the reminder about the whole temple thing. I do all of the hard work when it comes to running and exercise, but sometimes am not as careful about the other things like sleep and nutrition.

    BTW, I think that you will remember my intern, Paula, that you spoke with at AMTA Conference back in November? (The source of the nickname Tim Awesome). She finished her internship and passed her MT-BC exam last week. I am so proud of her and know that she will make a HUGE difference to many people out there.

    Hang in there!
    Michelle K.
    The Colony, Tx

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  12. Sarah from ColoradoFebruary 17, 2011 at 8:31 PM

    Hi Tim, I havent been on here for a while. But I have been thinking about you all a lot lately! The song you wrote is beautiful! Made me cry.... but absolutely beautiful!
    Just wanted to stop by and say hello =0)

    All my love,
    Sarah Hickman

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