February 15, 2011: Ups and Downs...

Heaveno!

First off, thanks for the love from the comments.  They made me feel good; I really appreciate it.

Well, the ups today HAS to be Ali's first karate class!  Hilarious.  I can't IMAGINE teaching karate to a pack of 4-5 year olds.  Wow.  Bless THAT guy's heart.  He didn't seem too excited about it either, frankly. LOL.  Ali was the only girl in her class, and I have no doubt she is going to kick some serious ass.  HA!  I couldn't resist... braggin' and all.  Just kiddin'.  Actually, it will be interesting to see if her girlie side or her competitive side show up.  At least she pays attention!  I'll be sure to get a picture in her outfit next time for the blog.
















The downs, well, I did better today overall with the downs for the most part.  Tonight, I started rehearsing for my studio session in April.  I sang and played guitar for the first time in what seemed like FOREVER.  I have been working on a new tune for quite a while trying to get all the guitar parts nicely connected, and I think I'm there, but as I started singing tonight, well, that was a little tough, because...

As I was looking through my music folder on my computer, a song titled, TOGETHER, was there.

... and I didn't recognize it.

I wrote it about grieving for the loss of my dad, and have used it in grief and loss groups several times.  As I tried to sing it, I couldn't.  First, because I was so sad I FORGOT about my own song.  But second, well, you read the lyrics and imagine me trying to sing these.  P.S. It was the first time I have tried to play this song since Bella died...

Together                                      by Tim Ringgold

As I sit and wonder where you’ve gone

I think of places and things that we’ve done…together

A million laughs a thousand tears

We faced it all through the years…together

Together is where we’ll be

Forever in memory

I honor you now and always

For now you have been set free

Together is where we’ll be

For all time in my memory

We’ve been through so much

And though we can’t touch

We’ll be together eternally

God has called you home while I stay

To roam through this journey my way…feeling alone

But I know you are with me

I feel you there when I’m in need…needing someone

Together is where we’ll stand

Walking with hand in hand

Alone but together

For now and forever

We’ll be together eternally

Together is where we’ll be

For all time in my memory

We’ve been through so much

And though we can’t touch

We’ll be together eternally

We’ll be together eternally

Yeah, I couldn't make it through, either.

I was telling Ang today that I feel like I have a bit of PTSD.  The memories that get triggered by random events are so powerful; it's like they electrocute my brain.  Sometimes, I feel the electricity shoot through my brain and down through my arms to my fingers.  Other times, I feel it shoot from either my heart up to my brain, or vice versa.  

Sucks.

Now the next line is totally gonna sound like a man thing to say, but I wish I were stronger.  So much stronger.  The pain and weakness I feel physically... I hate it.  I am so happy I am back in the gym again and back on track with reclaiming my physical strength, flexibility, and endurance.  I just want to BURY  these feelings of weakness.  

Yet, I know that is not the pathway to peace and healing.  The exercise is good for my body and my self esteem.  Those are important pieces of the equation.  I used to keep fit so that my body was a support system to my spirit and mind.  I could accomplish a lot largely because I had the health and vitality to pull off what my mind and spirit could conjure up.  Since losing that physical edge, I feel like I've lost some of my focus, peace, and confidence as well.  Seriously.  I know that now that I am back in a gym 5 days a week doing yoga, lifting weights, and running, my body will return slowly to a trimmer, firmer, stronger, more grounded, and flexible temple for my spirit and my mind.  

Treat your body like a temple.  Isn't that what scripture says?  I like that imagery.  Just the RESPECT it has me give my body when I think of it that way.. really great.

On that note, I am going to take care of my body by shutting up and getting some sleep.

God night.