March 22, 2011: Gutted.

Heaveno!

Sorry - forgot to post last night.  Got wrapped up in a project for the upcoming music therapy conference I am conference chair for.  It's been like a part to full time job managing this event, and I am not gonna lie that I'll be happy when it is over. It is going to rock, but I am looking forward to seeing it in my rear view mirror so I can get back to my own stuff with PUCK and The Divine Planet.



Ang is in TX for business this week - lots of all day meetings for her.  Ali is on spring break from pre-school as it is on a community college campus and the CC as a whole has spring break.  Luckily, Ali's daycare lady, Joanie, is happy to have her back for a week.

Last night, I had the worst dream.  I was back in the hospital with Bella again, except it was a different hospital, and Bella was only 3 months old.  My favorite nephrologist  from U of M was her doc, and she ended up intubated again, but they didn't give her enough paralytics or sedatives so she was writhing around in pain and fright, and her ET tube was coming out of her mouth.  It was me and her again, and when I woke up, it was like I lost her all over again.

I can barely put one foot in front of the other today.  I am writing all this out this morning in the hopes that I get it out of me enough to where I can function mentally the rest of the day, because right now, I just want to curl up on the couch, pull the blanket over my head, and wait for tomorrow.  I know that's not really possible, so this is one way for me to cope.  Another way is that I dragged myself to the gym and did my full cardio workout.  It was a G-R-I-N-D, but it got my body moving, and at least I won't have that hanging over my head as well.

In addition, I am now listening to books on audio while I run to see if I can elevate my focus above what my body is doing.  It is really challenging.  I am listening to a survey of 50 self-help classics from the past 2,500 years from around the world, and it is really fascinating.  Self-Help is not an American or 20th century genre at all.  The principle theme cross-culturally is that humans have the unique capacity to change.  Don't like your circumstances?  You can change them.  How?  By how you see them first.  THAT is the gem most people seem to miss.

One of this morning's excerpts was from Viktor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning.  Now THAT is a guy who has been put to the test.  Wow.  It was very heartening to listen to his insights as I was struggling through my morning.  I was really grateful to have his story come up on my iPod TODAY.  I really needed it.  That guy watched his wife, mother, father, and brother die (among scores of others) in the concentration camps of Auschwitz and Dachau.  Here is the most powerful quote I heard:

"It does not really matter what we expect from life, but rather what life expects from us. We need to stop asking about the meaning of life, and instead to think of ourselves as those who are being questioned by life – daily and hourly. Our answer must consist not in talk and meditation, but in right action and in right conduct. Life ultimately means taking the responsibility to find the right answer to its problems and to fulfill the tasks which it constantly sets for each individual."

Man, is THAT powerful. 

God day.