Tuesday, March 22, 2011

March 22, 2011: Gutted.


Sorry - forgot to post last night.  Got wrapped up in a project for the upcoming music therapy conference I am conference chair for.  It's been like a part to full time job managing this event, and I am not gonna lie that I'll be happy when it is over. It is going to rock, but I am looking forward to seeing it in my rear view mirror so I can get back to my own stuff with PUCK and The Divine Planet.

Ang is in TX for business this week - lots of all day meetings for her.  Ali is on spring break from pre-school as it is on a community college campus and the CC as a whole has spring break.  Luckily, Ali's daycare lady, Joanie, is happy to have her back for a week.

Last night, I had the worst dream.  I was back in the hospital with Bella again, except it was a different hospital, and Bella was only 3 months old.  My favorite nephrologist  from U of M was her doc, and she ended up intubated again, but they didn't give her enough paralytics or sedatives so she was writhing around in pain and fright, and her ET tube was coming out of her mouth.  It was me and her again, and when I woke up, it was like I lost her all over again.

I can barely put one foot in front of the other today.  I am writing all this out this morning in the hopes that I get it out of me enough to where I can function mentally the rest of the day, because right now, I just want to curl up on the couch, pull the blanket over my head, and wait for tomorrow.  I know that's not really possible, so this is one way for me to cope.  Another way is that I dragged myself to the gym and did my full cardio workout.  It was a G-R-I-N-D, but it got my body moving, and at least I won't have that hanging over my head as well.

In addition, I am now listening to books on audio while I run to see if I can elevate my focus above what my body is doing.  It is really challenging.  I am listening to a survey of 50 self-help classics from the past 2,500 years from around the world, and it is really fascinating.  Self-Help is not an American or 20th century genre at all.  The principle theme cross-culturally is that humans have the unique capacity to change.  Don't like your circumstances?  You can change them.  How?  By how you see them first.  THAT is the gem most people seem to miss.

One of this morning's excerpts was from Viktor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning.  Now THAT is a guy who has been put to the test.  Wow.  It was very heartening to listen to his insights as I was struggling through my morning.  I was really grateful to have his story come up on my iPod TODAY.  I really needed it.  That guy watched his wife, mother, father, and brother die (among scores of others) in the concentration camps of Auschwitz and Dachau.  Here is the most powerful quote I heard:

"It does not really matter what we expect from life, but rather what life expects from us. We need to stop asking about the meaning of life, and instead to think of ourselves as those who are being questioned by life – daily and hourly. Our answer must consist not in talk and meditation, but in right action and in right conduct. Life ultimately means taking the responsibility to find the right answer to its problems and to fulfill the tasks which it constantly sets for each individual."

Man, is THAT powerful. 

God day.


  1. LOVE Ali's outfit! And will never get tired of seeing Bella's sweet face. :)

    Sorry it's been a rough go today - praying for you to have peace and be encouraged.

    Wish we could work out a way to see Ang while she's in TX (assuming she's in the DFW area!) I know those all-day meetings can be PAINFUL!

    Love to all of you!!
    Laura (for the Team)

    PS - I thought of you yesterday when I was "coaching" (ahem - disciplining!) Garrison (my 9-yr old). He had reacted inappropriately to something his little brother had done, and proceeded to tell me how Jackson "made" him do it. My response? "Garrison, you are in control of your reactions. You cannot control what Jackson does, but you can control how you respond to him." See, you teach us stuff more than you realize! :)

  2. I have no idea how you feel or what you are going through but what you said about the dream reminded me of when I lost my bff. I was 7 months pregnanct with our 4th child. They called her a miracle. I know now why God gave her to me. My best friend died. He was an extension of me. I loved him in a way I cant describe. He was my husbands childhood friend and when we got together he instantly became my best friend. I begged God for one more day with him. His death was a shock and tragic and very painful. It was the first death other than miscarriage I had ever gone through. At that time I was still blessed to have all my family alive. Well when I had dreams about him we were together hanging out just like old times. Sometimes he would just walk beside me and I would talk he would listen. Then I would wake up and realize he was gone and have to deal with it all over again. As much as I wanted the dreams never to end, after each one I became depressed. I only ever had 3 dreams. I begged God to let me keep having them even though it would visibly leave me depressed and upset for a day or two after. I miss them, I miss him. I am sorry you are going through this too. It in no way is the same,I am sorry.

    Be blessed

  3. I hope you're feeling better as the day goes by. Still here, still reading! Thinking of Ang too, hope she and baby are doing well. Ali is SO cute.


  4. Ali is so trendy!
    You're still allowed to have bad days...Its ok...
    We all love you guys!
    When can we "kids eat free" again?

  5. I am also still reading and thinking of you. Every time I see the photo of your beautiful Bella at the end of a post my heart suffers a bit - I can only imagine what your heart is going through! Keep up the good work. Blessings to your family.

  6. Hi, Tim...

    Just catching up my reading, and so sorry to hear about your struggle. Those dreams sure can do a number on us, can't they?

    Frankl's book is one of my favorites. It is so powerful and awe inspiring, as are many of the writings that came out of the Holocaust. That such inspiration and hope could survive in the face of one of the darkest periods of history is truly a testimony to God's provision and man's resilience. And perhaps that knowledge can also serve to put some wind under the wings of one who has likewise felt the battering of life's storms.

    Continuing to think of you all. Take care, sweet family!

    A friend in NC

  7. I read your blog on occasion, and have often thought what a strong person you are/strong marriage you have/what a beautiful life you live. Thank you for sharing with us.

    Now - a stupid and unimportant question, but - how cute it the skirt that Ali is wearing - where did you get that!? ***doubting highly you even read all the comments, and this will pass by unnoticed, but if you do, I would love to know!***