Friday, September 30, 2011

September 30, 2011: It's Coming...


Sorry for the tardy post again... the bed just looked so much more inviting than my office chair after J-Man fell asleep in my arms in the glider last night! LOL.

What's coming?

October 11.

I can feel it.

It's a conundrum; it's anticipatory grief of a grief milestone... lame!  Yesterday, I needed to process on the phone with my spiritual advisor in the morning, and the chaplains by lunch time to keep me focused and present enough to do my job at the hospital.  There are these shards of awareness that come flashing into my brain about just how awful last summer was, and as each time I write the date in the header, my computer auto-populates the last time I typed that date in there, today was Day +90, and things were pretty intense.

It feels so long ago, like a distant nightmare.  But the sadness, just sheer sadness remains.  I wish I could say that I am present to the miracles, the inspiration, the legacy, the blessings, but unfortunately the sadness prevails.  I stay moving (remember our mantra for survival in MN?  "Keep moving"), and I know that the sheer motion I keep myself in helps for two reasons... one, it brings me into contact with new experiences that often do contain happiness, wonder, and discovery, and two, there is an element of being afraid of being swallowed whole by the despair if I stop.  I just figure if I keep creating the most inspiring context I can, this will keep my legs moving, and cause some positive ripples in the process.

On the home front, the evil house guest Thrush may just be starting to vacate, but not without leaving its mark. What a nasty thing candida is.  Just plain mean.  Thanks for all the encouragement on the gentian violet.  Ang had bought it, and wasn't happy with the reaction it had with her when she first used it, but was willing to give it a second chance, and is now using it on her and in Julian's mouth, and it seems to be working.

One interesting overlap between Bella and Julian is because of the Thrush, Ang has had to eliminate just about all dairy and sugar from her diet, so we are back to a very alkaline diet and Ang is dropping her baby weight like a bad habit, and it's keeping me skinny, too!  That and not going out to eat anymore... that always helps!

 Tonight is Ali's elementary school's fall camp out.  We are really excited because we live down the street from the school and have observed this giant event for 5 years now from the outside, and now we get to experience it from the inside.  Of course, not just the inside, but from the center as I volunteered to be the DJ/MC and lead a family campfire drum circle for all the kids. I figure, I know how to, I have all kinds of awesome instruments that don't get played nearly enough, so why not?  I know I'm gonna get hit with "Do you do birthday parties?" and I am toying with whipping up a flyer to have on hand just in case that says, "Drumtastic Birthday Parties," then have some other music therapists actually work the parties, and earn some extra cash that way...  why not?

I told you I would tell you more about the trip, long story short, my car started dying on the way out of AZ, and had to turn around and leave it in AZ.  Trouble was, I was asked to sing at a memorial the following day in OC, so I hopped on a plane that morning while my buddy Jim dropped my car off at the dealer.  Took a cab to church, (luckily had my guitar and a suit on me) played the memorial, then got dropped back off at the airport after the reception, flew back to AZ to pick up the car.... and it wasn't fixed.  SO, my buddy lent me HIS car and I drove back to OC that night so I could bring Ali to see "A Dolphin Tale" on Sunday morning (I had PROMISED to take her Saturday, and her sobbing in the car as I walked into the airport terminal is something I won't soon forget).

The good news is the dealer, ABC Nissan in Phoenix, was a CLASS ACT on Monday, and repaired the car at no extra charge.  So, my buddy Jim will drive it out here this weekend, visit his parents, then switch back with me on Sunday.


Okay.  Gotta run... I have a long list of business items to get done today, and the rest of the camp out team is already setting up (my guilt meter spiked as I walked past them this morning on my way back home and they were lugging supplies in at 8 am!).  Still gotta run to REI and pick up our rental tent as well!  Ah, the gerbil knows how to keep running, doesn't he?

God day!

Check out the nice shade of lipstick... matches mommy's shirt!


  1. Oh I remember the blue/purple stains all over myself, my sheets my clothes, my babies, their clothes, the couch, lol.

    Praying for you all.

    Be blessed

  2. Glad to see you finally tried the gentian violet! I hate using that stuff but it works (and stains everything in the process)! 3x a day for 3 days seems to do the job for us. Hopefully it will be gone soon for Ang and Julian! Love the purple lips! LOL

  3. first off I wanna say.... I LOVE THE PURPLE LIPS!! hehe.

    I've been reading your blog now for aprox 3 months from the beginning and I just want to say how inspirational you and your family are. Bella has made me laugh, cry and express many other emotions. She is/was the most precious little girl that's ever graced this earth. Her strength and courage remind me of another girl I! I was born with Spina Bifida so I know first hand whats it means/feels like to live with a disability.

    Thank you so much Ringgold family for sharing Bella's story and continuing to tell us Ali (the beautiful princess') and (prince) Julia's too. Reading your blog is one the high lights of my day.

    I've wanted to comment for a while now but decided to wait until I had "caught up" if you get what I mean...hehe.

    I'm in the very early process of righting a book so this has giving me much inspiration.

    Hobart - Australia.

  4. Dear Ringgold's,
    The gentian violet is a miracle cure but you have be a fan of purple for about a week! Ang, I hope you have some comfort now and that Julian is much better also.
    These next few days could be the hardest of your grief cycle, know that you have hundreds if not thousands of "family" praying with you during this time. I cannot imaging the thoughts going through your head when you get the updates from Minnesota. I live near there and occasionally will see a news snippet of a family there for treatment. I always think of you and how brave you were as a family. Bella is saving lives Tim. Every single day. She inspires the medical staff, your family and those of us that you touch through the blog and your therapy. I hope you are able to embrace the love we are sending to all of you.

    Have a wonderful weekend, the fall colors are here and it is gorgeous. I am taking a walk in the trees just to "be". God Bless you and keep you. Holly in ND

  5. wait? an actual camp out? is that what the tent was for???


  6. How awesome the school has a camp out!!! I wish ours did something like that. My kiddo would be in heaven!!

    Adore the purple lips! I know it's not any fun but he sure makes it look good that's for sure!

    ::hugs:: Many thoughts and prayers to you guys. I have loved and lost and the greif at first was so overwhelming it took every last ounce of energy to not allow it to consume me. Keep moving forward. Your beautiful Bella is saving lives in more than just curing EB.

    Much love to you guys,