October 17: A New Day +6

I've been trying to get a decent shot of one of my little buddies all summer... AT LAST!

Heaveno!

Well, another "stay at home day." Today, we took it slow. We're feeling a little under the weather, but that didn't stop us from making a Target run, which turned into a little bit of a retail therapy session! I had resisted buying new clothes for quite a while, and the new fall line is in, and I couldn't resist any longer! I love long sleeves, and zip-up turtlenecks, both of which are in full supply. Plus, I wanted to come home with some things from MN so that each time I wore them, it would remind me of this magical place, and my beautiful daughter.

MN will always hold a very dear, special, and positive place in my heart; it is Bella's launching pad to heaven! That may sound weird, and one of my friends thought I would be itching to split out of here never to return, and I can totally understand that. As you have been getting used to, I tend to work things and events until they have an uplifting context. It is harder work sometimes than others, and it's not that I step over/suppress/ignore my natural feelings. I feel them, but I do my best to not let them leave a permanent imprint on the experience. Like I said recently, as I do my grief work, the pain subsides, and the beauty remains.

After Target, it was on to another wonderfully home-cooked meal. This time, it was by my dear friends Dayna and Brent. Dayna and I were co-interns in San Diego two years ago, and she moved back here to MN where she and Brent are from this spring. They have been so wonderful throughout this journey. It was Brent's parents' house that we stayed at for our "second lake outing." Anyhow, they recently moved into a giant house out in Elk River, and it was a housewarming of sorts. Dayna's parents came, and we were so happy to finally meet them. Bryce, Dayna's brother, and his wife Amanda and their little daughter Corynn were also there. Dayna and Amanda were the ones who made the wonderful messages for Bella's walls. We had a wonderful meal, followed by a little music time! Ali busted out some Backyardigans for us, and Dayna and I took turns singing songs, and joining together on a couple as well. Amanda's baby was soooo cute. She was ALL ABOUT the music. (Shock) She was rocking to the beat with the biggest eyes and smile you ever saw. It was so sweet to see a baby so happy.

We ate a roast, while Corynn ate my nose...

It was good for my soul.

Two angels supporting each other, and the joy the feel from each other was palpable...

Back in CA, the most extraordinary friend orchestrated the most extraordinary day for Bella. Our friend Sara, who you usually see posting early and jokes about the refresh button, led 29 walkers on our local children's hospital walking fundraiser. Her goal was 5. She hoped to rasie $2000, and thought that was a stretch. She raised $4,400. She will say that it was TEAM BELLA that did it, but she was the spark. They all had cute TEAM BELLA T-shirts on, and all sported TEAM BELLA Fabulous Socks of the Day! Soo cool. In fact, two people walked up to Sara during the walk to say they read the blog! One of them even walked with the team after that. Amazing.

Then, it gets better, Sara rushed to church still in her jeans and t-shirt to tell about the walk and read a letter I wrote to our congregation, both at my request. This was not at all her plan this morning, but at the end of the walk, I called her to ask her if she would do that for me, and she changed her plans on the spot and headed out to church, and read my letter over email.

It's gonna drive Sara NUTS that I pirated this from her FB page and put it up here, but I want you all to see that face of one of the many angels in our life! Thank you again, Sara.

Check out the legacy of the Fabulous Socks of the Day! Sara bought socks for everyone...

Can you find better friends out there? We are surrounded by you, near and far. And we know that there are so many of you that would and are doing so much regardless of how close to us you are. It warms our heart to know that you all are taking up the torch for a better world, one generous, selfless act at a time. Progress happens incrementally, and if you are waiting for the big Hollywood style opportunity or calling, you are missing all the small humble ways you can be improving your world around you every day. If you like spending a day at the park or beach cleaning up trash, good for you, but why not just pick up one piece of trash a day if it crosses your path? Why not let one car in ahead of you? Why not stop your hurried pace and hold the door for one person, regardless if they look like they need it? Why not make eye contact and give a smile to go along with it? Why not wipe up the counter in the public bathroom before leaving it? There are a hundred little things you can do a day that over time, turn you into a positivity machine. The best part is, do these little things especially when there is no acknowledgement to be had. That is the best developer of character. Do something because you can, rather than for what it will bring you.

I thought I'd share with you that letter Sara read. What I want to say about it is this: For me, going to church and being "religious" is distinct from being spiritual. I feel like I can have a close, intimate, one-to-one relationship with the God of my understanding (spirituality) without being a part of a larger community that follows a certain pathway to achieving that spiritual connection (religion).

Much of my 20's were spent in this setting; me and God, one on one. It was wonderful, but after a while, it felt like I was watching a great movie alone, and I had no one to talk with about how great the film was. What was missing in my spirituality was the distinction, "Community." I wanted to go to the movie with others who would love it also, so we could enjoy it together, and talk about it, and we could let it influence our actions throughout the week till we met again. We could support each other on the ground, in the trenches, with the little things that make life beautiful. A visit to a fellow congregation member when they are sick or grieving. A cooked meal when someone is overwhelmed by life. Donated items to shelters that help people get jobs and get their own places after being homeless. This is what religion could offer me, and so I returned to church after many years away, and the members of this church, Harbor Christian Church, in Newport Beach, CA are the distinction: Community. Having set the stage like this will allow you to understand the letter even more, so here it is for your inspiration.

Dear Harbor Christian family,

As I search for how to turn the feelings of gratitude in our hearts to words, I sit here listening to one of my favorite instrumental pieces, “Twilight Echo,” by Wayne Jones. It is a solo piano piece that has the softest, gentlest keyboard sounds in the background, supporting the gentle, but beautiful melody. It is track one from my “Bella’s piano music” playlist that filled Bella’s room for many, many hours during our 99 days in the ICU, and was a favorite among a few of her nurses.

As I listen to the interplay of the piano and keyboards, I think of my family here and you, our family there. We are the piano and you are the keyboards. Sure, the melody could stand up on its own, but it would sound a little empty, a little fragile even. There would be nothing to hold the space while one note waited patiently for the previous one to finish.

When I allow my ears to listen past the piano, I not only “hear” the keyboards, I “feel” the keyboards. They are everywhere, and they are nowhere. They may be in the background, but they are really all around, and particularly underneath, supporting the delicate, butterfly-wing melodies.

I picture the flight of a butterfly, with the piano being the butterfly and the keyboards being the air that surrounds it, and gives it flight.

We can see this metaphor as all of us together providing lift for Bella as she Flies home to our Father in heaven, and we can also see that my family here is that butterfly, struggling to keep aloft, and you, our Harbor Christian family providing the spiritual lift to keep us going. You are everywhere, and you are nowhere.

If you break nowhere into two words, it can spell NOW HERE.

And so it has been between our two families, the Ringgolds and HCC, since the very beginning. You have been the air that gives us flight, through school, through parenthood, through this amazingly blessed journey with Bella. You have been there, quietly, softly lifting us up. Your love for us has never ceased, and we have always felt it.

There is a balm in Gilead

To make the wounded whole

There is a balm in Gilead

To heal the sin-sick soul

Some times I feel discouraged

And think my work’s in vain

But then my family at HCC

Revives my soul again

There is a balm in Gilead

To make the wounded whole

There is a balm in Gilead

To heal the sin-sick soul

We love you and thank you.

The Ringgolds

If you have ever had a strained relationship with religion, as many of us have, may my words offer hope. Hope in the knowing that there are good churches full of good, honest, authentic people all over the world doing great things in their communities, and hope that one of these churches might be a perfect fit for you, believe it or not. Just pray for the willingness that this be so, you'll be surprised. Don't be concerned over labels. Don't let them throw you off. There are good people in every faith, in every denomination, and good churches/temples/mosques/synagogues all over the world, despite what the media wants to tell you. There are also bad ones, and it doesn't matter what faith, what denomination, there are people who in my humble opinion have lost their way and lost track of the golden rule. How is this any different than any other human domain? There are jerks at work, there are jerk companies, there are jerks at school, there are crummy schools. There are jerks on the sports team, there are entire teams of jerks out there! So what? We don't stop working, going to school, playing the sport we love, etc. Why do we hold everyone who wants to worship and hold something sacred up to perfect standards? Don't get me wrong; again, there are bad apples in every group, but let's not throw the baby away with the bath water. The good news is that if you are an adult and considering rejoining any church, you can try them out! If you don't feel better when you leave than when you enter, don't go back! If you feel nourished, go back again.

Moving on...

The grief hit a bit harder today. It knocked me right back into bed, and it exhausted me physically and mentally today. I sobbed when I saw the slide show from the CHOC walk today. It was as intense as when I sobbed over Bella in mommy's arms as she took her last breath. I sobbed into a shirt to try and not upset too many, especially Ali. I have a big mouth (LOL) and when I wail, it's LOUD, so I need to muffle it so I can let the full force out without genuinely scaring people. I spend so much time working on my attitude, that when I need to release, I GO BIG. I GET IT ALL OUT. Who knows if its 'the right way,' it works for me, and that is really all that matters. I just miss that kid so darn much. I am listening to Colin Hay's "I Just Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You" (thanks Dayna, it's beautiful) and it really reminds me of how unique this pain is. It's unlike anything I've ever felt. It's not necessarily worse, it's different. I think when my 5 best friends were murdered, the enormity and sudden shock of it was more intense during the first week for sure. I could barely put on foot in front of another. Now, I have a much deeper relationship with God, myself, and grief. However, this time around I am observing the grief act its brutal tidal wave of pain out on me, and it is strange. I am having a conscious experience of it, and yet in my consciousness, I am still powerless over the pain and emotions. I am also really grateful to have this medium to write about it, and know that you are out there listening, reading, relating, thinking, feeling, praying. Wow, this is like nothing I have ever experienced.

There is more physical pain coming on. I have shooting pains behind my right ear, my jaw ACHES from gritting my teeth 24/7. My heart physically hurts, like heart burn - wait - that actually might be heart burn. I eat too much at dinner! LOL. Seriously, though, my heart is beginning to ache more and more each day, and I am worried about my mental ability to function. It seems to be dwindling a skotche (I don't know how to spell all these Minnesotisms) with each day. I seem to have fewer productive lucid hours than the day before. I was hurting so much driving today that I was nauseous.

I am chronicling all this not as a cry for help, but to share the different experiences I am having, hoping that you can relate in some way, and in this relation, we both feel better about our human condition. We live in a fairy tale society where sadness and depression are met swiftly with drugs, both recreational and pharmacological. One great thing I have learned from my limited Buddhist reading is the value in suffering. This is a foreign concept to us in the west, but it really gives me strength and hope to know even the worst feelings I can have can have value. I am stronger, more confident, more patient (in certain things) than ever before. Like I said, I am in pain because I loved. The degree of my pain equals the degree I loved.

Man, I loved the #%)*&$ out of that girl! LOL.

Beauty and pain can coexist.

The pain will subside, and the beauty will remain.

Not by itself, but because I come here every day and "Show up" to you and spell it all out.

Thank you so much for continuing to show up, yourself. You are helping me heal. You are helping us all heal. Your generosity and love for us is astounding. We marvel at the pain you feel for Bella. See? You did lover her, too. You really, really did.

Thank you for loving our daughter so.

Now, who is right there, within arms reach, that you can show that same love to?

One day, Bella DID say, "Yeah, I was born with this rare skin condition, but when they brought me home from the hospital, it went away."

God night.

P.S. We still haven't figured out how to do the webcast. Ask your fb friends or chaps at work if anyone knows how to pull this off. Someone local here... check out if there is a local company that hires out to do this type of thing and see if you can get me a quote, okay? I need your help on this one. Thanks.

Ali and daddy rocking out together...