Wow. What an amazing ride just a day can be. Ang and I are just exhausted by attempting to operate at "normal speed." Holy cow! I dropped Ali off at daycare, had a 10 am meeting, and an 11:30 lunch meeting. Then it was to the bank to do a little banking and the cleaners and I was home by 2:30.
I walked over to my desk and just couldn't even think. I curled up on the couch and thought I'd distract myself with a little Arsenal action. I had a match saved on the DVR, and it had been over a month since I had seen my boys play, so I thought that would cheer me up. Well, turns out they played today as well, and I caught that game live. Not only did they lose 0-2 to a team they beat 6-0 at home last time they faced them, they lost two of their players to injury, one of which is their star captain. It was probably the worst game Arsenal has played yet, even worse than Sunday when they blew a 2 goal lead in the second half to their North London rivals, Tottenham Hotpsur, and lost 2-3. (What a great name btw - Tottenham Hotspur - even if they are our rivals, I still am totally entertained by their name... hey Mariana or Lolly... find out what a hotspur is for me, will ya?)
Well, by the end of that miserable game, I was not feeling better, I was feeling worse! I actually began to have a bit of a panic attack. The house started closing in around me in its gigantic quiet and emptiness. I just couldn't bear the sound of silence any longer. Every activity around the house feels hollow without Bella. I started feeling really helpless and hopeless.
Then, it happend.
God stepped in.
A letter from a retired doctor I met in MN was sitting in my inbox. He had written earlier in the day to ask how things were going; he didn't know. I filled him in and then watched the soccer game. His response was the letter I am referring to. It was one of the two most hope-filled letters I have received yet. As the blog is 99% female commenters and my professional field is 89% female, coupled with the fact that my dad died in 1997, I've been missing some male leadership/mentorship in my life. He urged me to call him, and I did, and we had the most extraordinary conversation. I immediately felt clearer, stronger, and had a giant infusion of HOPE in that moment.
Life is moment by moment, and it is important to remember that whatever is in this moment - bliss, joy, boredom, suffering, tragedy - will surely pass. God is constantly conspiring to support us in everything we do. It is our job to put on our "God-Goggles" so we can recognize his blessings. They are all around. As we allow this moment to just be, and grant it space to move on past, it allows new realms of possibility to arise (there is some good ol' Landmark Education lingo for you!), and if we invite God into those new realms, he is all too happy to oblige us. The first step is to just BE with what already is. This is so hard for us. Here is why I think I am overall doing pretty well about "the death of my child."
Most people in our current culture subscribe to a truth that goes something like this: " No one should have to outlive their children."
In nature, who gets eaten by the predators? The children, the sick, and the elderly.
A century ago, infant and child mortality was a fact of life. You had ten kids hoping five would survive to adulthood. Moms died in delivery all the time. Thanks to breakthroughs in western medicine (antibiotics, the c-section, vaccines, NICU, respirator, etc...) we have all but eliminated infant and child mortality from our society. Yet, it permeates every developing culture on the planet today.
Are we so short of memory?
We have so removed ourselves from the cycle of life and death that the first time we told Ali that the chickens she saw at the farm are what her breaded chicken nuggets were made of, she just looked at us and started LAUGHING at us! It was the most ridiculous thing she had ever heard. It is as if our ability to deal with death has atrophied from lack of use. Perhaps this is a good problem to have, but I see us as an entire culture that is now not only out of shape in life, but out of shape over death.
There is work to be done.
Transformation doesn't happen by itself.
Will you join me?
Please forward my blog onto your social networks (again) and encourage your circle to come to our circle. We are a growing community that work hard at becoming the authors of our own life in new ways with each new day.
What new 'aha' did you experience today in your journey?
One last story. I was catching up with a guy I haven't talked to much since I left for MN, and he was telling me how his Porsche was totaled in a car accident not too long ago. He lamented that his biggest problem now is that he doesn't know what to buy, as he'd have to wait 6 months to get the same model... audis are too this, BMW's are too that... maybe he'll sell his other truck and get a land rover...
I told him that my company THE DIVINE PLANET is seeking to write bigger and bigger checks to charity. I started the company last year with a double digit donation. Then, over the summer, I raised some $$ and wrote a 3 digit check. Next week, I'll be writing a 4 digit check. I told him that he should buy last year's model and cut me a check for $10,000.00 so I can write a 5 digit check to find a cure for Bella's disease before the year is out.
Think he's gonna be able to piss and moan over his new car choices without thinking of me and Bella particularly? He LOVED Bella.
P.S. Blogger won't let me upload any photos tonight for some reason. Sorry. In the meantime, go to the video section and watch the new video. You.will.die.laughing.