December 17, 2010: If it's raining here...

Yesterday's sun has been replaced by steady rain...

Heaveno!

... is it snowing in Durango?

I guess I could always check on weather.com, right?

Before I forget, I just want to apologize for those who have pledged to be part of Bella's Birthday Drive.  Angelique and I have both gotten SLAMMED with a mountain of work and a promotion this month, and we totally dropped the ball on following up with regular (or ANY!) emails of support, motivation, tips, etc. We will be hitting it HARD once the new year starts.  Ang has less time right now due to work, and I will have more time after the first.  I can't even begin to tell you what I am working on this month.  Suffice to say that all this work has helped both of us stay preoccupied and that helps with the grief.



UC Irvine Medical Center and Cancer Center... where I work!





This is from the roof of the parking garage... I park on the roof and take the stairs to help get my legs as "in shape" as they're gonna be for next week's skiing adventure...


For those of you that are self starters, AWESOME!  Way to go!  For those that need a nudge to get crackin', just remember, EB doesn't take a break for the holidays.  EB also doesn't quit if there is a recession.  Either way, we want to thank you all for any step you've taken so far.

For those that opted out of the challenge, those of us that are in could really use your help, too.  We need your prayers, we need your thoughts, your wishes, we need you to tell your circles and networks about our goal.  Just generating your energy toward this common goal will no doubt tip it to success.  I apologize to you for not creating this with you a month ago, it was a missed opportunity on my part to find a way to include everyone.  However, I learned a great quote last weekend which is that "DONE IS BETTER THAN PERFECT."  At some point, we all just gotta get started on whatever it is we want to accomplish, and as long as we're in action, that's what's most important.  The speaker was showing us some really, really... how do I put this... bad books, and he reminded us that "Bob's bad book is still better than the one you don't have or haven't written just yet!"  We laughed.  Good point!

I also realized that I haven't talked much about God or faith in a while.  That's because I haven't really talked to God or my faith in a while.  Wednesday night, after watching the special, I swore at God OUT LOUD for the first time throughout this entire journey.  It's okay, he can take it.  Just don't make it a habit, he told me.  ;-)  Seriously though, as well as I know I am doing at this point in my grief journey, I know that it will never be the same, I will always have a 17 month old daughter that went through an absolutely HORRIBLE experience only to die in the end.  Pardon my french, but that will always suck, no matter what cool things we do in memory of her.

The worst part about it is that I am caught right now in a conundrum where I don't want to not think about her, but when I look at her pictures in the office, they hurt. A LOT.  Catch 22.  Somedays, when I'm out and about and really busy, I may go for quite a while feeling good, and then suddenly the grief hits.  When it does, it's a quizzical experience.  Sometimes, it hurts and I wish it gone, but other times, it's almost a relief, like, "Oh good, I still hurt for my child."  I'm in this weird limbo right now.  I know that as I continue to do my grief work over time, the feelings of pain will no longer accompany the memories in the same intensity, frequency, or duration... but I don't want Bella to ever be "just a memory."

In other news, Ali had her flu shot yesterday and was a CHAMP!  I can't remember if I shared that last night.  Today, she saw the dentist and got a raving report!  She really has become a completely different patient but in a good way!  I was so worried that the trauma of the hospital for both her and Bella was really going to screw her up next time she had to go to the doctor, but it was quite the opposite!  WHEW!



Ali and Santa yesterday...


 Have a great weekend, and thank you so much for continuing to walk with us.  Drop us a brief comment telling us you're still there... don't worry about what to say.  Honestly it doesn't matter.  What matters is the 30 seconds of effort to return the connection.  We all just want to feel connected in life.

God night.



Ali rockin' out Christmas carols with Daddy... Lucy is not impressed as usual...

Bella, Ali, and their cousin Wilson lobotomized by the TV...