December 5: Good start

My office today... not too shabby!

Heaveno!

Well, I've said it before:  One day at a time just may be too much to bite off at once when times are really tough.  I had another rough time of it getting into gear today, and when I walked into the house after dropping Ali off at daycare, I felt tired and just wanted to crawl back into bed and forget the day... except that's what I did last Monday.  Oh, and I scheduled myself to work at the hospital today (I am working two hour shifts at the hospital for just about every day I'm in town for the rest of the month).  I told myself I just gotta do something different today, otherwise I won't be going anywhere.  I know that it would be okay, but I just wanted to challenge myself and see if I could kick it up just a notch.  So, I grabbed my iPod and got outside and went for a run.  It was GREAT.  Angelique recently read that exercise is particularly good for treating grief.  It's also awesome for depression.  The catch with exercise is that when I hear myself say I don't wanna... it's the grief talking, and I know it's EXACTLY what I need.



Sure enough, as I strode back in the house 23 sweaty minutes later, I felt completely different.  I was in gear, and ready to take on the day.  As I ran, I just focused on carving great turns in the snow all day long in Colorado. The harder I push right now, the longer I'll ski well and enjoy my day with my family.  After all, it's been 19 YEARS (holy C-R-A-P I can't believe it's been that long!!!!!) since I hit the slopes.  Just writing that kind of scares me a little.  I need to remember I'm not 19 anymore, and so I can't just tear through the hills like I used to.  Also, my legs have not been athletic so much for the better part of 2 years, so slow and steady is going to call the shots.  Today, each stride (ESPECIALLY up the steep hill I picked) where my legs burned, I pictured my legs getting stronger and stronger.



This has really been a great thing for me because I have spent many years on a treadmill.  Playing pick up soccer, the stakes haven't been too high.  Now, training for skiing Purgatory, I have to really take this a little more seriously since I could really get myself in a pickle bouncing down the mountain!  Plus, I can SEE myself going down that mountain full of joy and wonder, and I can tell my legs and butt aren't as strong as they need to be to really enjoy that experience free from feelin' the burn right outta the gate!



Tonight, we had kids eat free with Nicole and Sara, two of Bella's biggest supporters.  Turns out we all live about 10 minutes apart from each other, so can you spell play date?  It was great for us all to get to know each other a little more in a context that wasn't all about Bella.  We had a blast!



Work was good. I feel like yesterday was somewhat of a watershed for me.  I sobbed in church yesterday the hardest I have since I cried over Bella as momma held her as she took her last breath.  I walked this road with God at my side throughout the journey.  To be back in his house for the first time without her... really powerful moment.  At first, I felt like I would be embarrassed to walk in without Bella after praying SO HARD and SO PUBLICLY for her before and during the journey to MN.  What I realized was that walking back in that door represented the ultimate act of humility and faith.  It meant that after all the signs God sent us to go to MN only to take Bella from us,  I was saying by my presence that I STILL BELIEVE.  I STILL HAVE FAITH.



Honestly?  Did I?



Through the first half of the service, I could sing the notes of the hymns, but the words were meaningless.  Meaningless to me.  MEANINGLESS.  la la la la la.  When the scripture was read, I could barely contain my contempt.  Utter nonsense.  Non - sense, meaning, yup: without sense.  When the new interim pastor stood up to give her sermon, I walked out.  I went to the restroom, walked out and looked at the park across the street for a few minutes, and after a couple of minutes, told myself to get my ass back in my chair.  I prayed for the willingness to let the pastor's words penetrate through the wall of suppressed anger, pain, and sadness so that I could actually 'hear her,' and not my judgements of her and of the text.



Know what?

Ever so slowly, my furrowed brow released.  My frown turned neutral, and at one point, I even mustered a half smile (probably more like 10% smile, but it felt like a half - it took a lot just to get that far!).  I began hearing the pastor, and she seemed to be making sense, so I kept listening.  When she finished her sermon, I realized it was pretty good after all, and she was pretty good after all.



Sometimes a day is just too much to take in one serving.   You asking me how was my day is like me asking you how was your month.



Day by day, the pain goes away, but only by getting worse first.  I know that each day the pain grows is a day closer to the pain lessening.  It's going to get worse before it gets better, and I reluctantly rejoice in that worsening, for it brings me closer to the other side of the typhoon.  I have to tell myself this over and over, and over and over, and over and over, all day, every day.  Otherwise I would be crushed alive by the weight of this current pain.



Hey lurkers, drop a line of support.  There are no right words to say.  Just say SOMETHING, please.  It would be nice to hear from you right about now.  Thanks.

God night.