Monday, December 6, 2010

December 4: Return to church


Rough morning.  Ang had to literally push me out of bead to get me rollin' (Come to think of it, I just fell asleep in my hair typing this).  The first sensation I had when I awoke today was Freddy Krueger from Nightmare on Elm street slicing and dicing my heart.  So much pain, so quick.  Not fair.  Anyhow, we made it to church.  Man was I lucky.  We walked in, and who had three open seats next to her?  Our good friend Sara, who organized and lead Team Bella on the CHOC Walk just after Bella died!  The service was one of the toughest I've been in in 15 years.  When my friends were murdered in '95, I had a hard time going to church for quite a few years after.  The pain when I would open my heart up to God in that setting was so deep, I would just start sobbing.  And so it was today.

Angelique had to work today, so Ali and I had quite the adventure around the house.  We played dress up, dress up, and more dress up!  We watched a movie together as well.  Mot of all, we had fun.  Our time together brought a niec balance to the mornings' pain.

After another homemade pizza, we watched an episode of The Backyardigans, then bed time.  There was more I wanted to write about, but I can't keep my eyes open, it'll have to wait!

God night.


  1. Sorry to hear it was so hard yesterday morning.
    Hope you all had a good sleep to start the week with energy.
    I like all the costumes but the hawaiin makes me dream of warm weather and not -1 C !!!
    Those pizzas make me hungry even now at 10 in the morning....
    Have a good week.

  2. You are in my daily thoughts and prayers...may God's peace embrace you today as you begin a new week! Thank God for your sweet little light...Ali! Donna in NJ

    P.S. Pizza made me hungary too at 7 a.m.!!!

  3. Sending prayers to your family, hoping to ease your pain.

    I'm not sure what was funnier; the shirt and shorts combo or the pose!

  4. Hi Tim: I am so sorry that you had a bad day. I am sorry that the numbness has worn off. I feel for you my friend.
    Praying that you feel God's loving arms and find some peace in your heart. It will not be easy for awhile. Hang in there, Keep the Faith.
    Take care my friend. Love and Hugs, Leah's Nana

  5. That picture of you and Ali right under the headline, Return to Church, made me immediately think, gee, they sure dress differently for church in California than we do in Ohio! LOL!

    Sorry to hear how hard going to church was for you, but I'm glad that you went.

    Angela in Dublin, Ohio

  6. Praying for a more peaceful week! Going to church, not matter what the situation, always makes me more emotional (tell Ang not to laugh at me - she will tell you how emotional I am anyway).

    Love the dress up and pizza looks so darn good!

  7. That's it.
    Instead of meeting OUT to dinner, we should've come over! Ringgold Pizza!

    I carried you around in my heart all day after church. I felt in a funk, and I couldn't shake it...I was happy to hear that Ang pulled you out of bed, even happier to see you walk through the door at church. I knew the minute you sat down, that it would be emotional...
    I can imagine mentally preparing for a memorial service, or the planned events you've had....
    But, the everyday things? the things that were the most routine? Now, I see why you'd want to stay in bed. I am thankful to have been there, I am thankful that Ali gives you something wonderful to re-direct your energy towards.
    She is amazing. You are amazing.
    We love you guys, and are here for whatever you need.

  8. My thoughts are not coming together this morning as I wish they would. The tears and the ache of sadness in my chest are not helping. I am sitting here crying and I am not even sure why. I hate that you all have to struggle with the pain of losing Bella. That what was once normal has to become a new normal. Your comment you made in your last blog about wishing Bella back got me. I have found myself trying to wish her back for you too.

    I am so glad that you managed to make it back to church. I cant imagine how hard that was ...hopefully with each Sunday it will become easier.

    I have been missing for a few days...for that I am sorry. The computer has been acting funny (locking up) and Clara got the "mystery fever" back. You all were never far from my thoughts.

    I wanted to let you know that I will be running a 5K in memory of Bella in 2011. I am determined to become healthier, lose some weight and start training with my new spin bike. Bella is still changing lives.

    Sending my love to all and sweet kisses to Ali.

    oh and btw the pizza looks amazing.

    Denise WI

  9. still thinking of you and your family. I wish I had the right words to say to you.

    Carla from Luxembourg

  10. Hahaha...I can tell you were tired when writing this. Your spelling is not so good which is not like you. I'm glad that you and Ali got to have some fun and dress up and eat pizza. The pictures look like you guys had a blast. I love her mermaid costume.

    I'm sorry that church was hard for you today but it will get better. There is lots of love and support there for you. I'm glad that Ang pushed you out of bed. Stay strong!!

    Lots of Love,
    Amber, Craig, Malorie( 2 1/2), and Liam(11 mos.)
    The McLaughlin Family
    Moreno Valley, CA

  11. Hi Tim -- Haven't had time to post in a while, but wanted you to know we are here in heart, if not in actual word. You guys are always in our thoughts and we continue to send you healing energy as you take this journey. Please know that we are holding your hand every step of the way.

    Lots of love.

  12. Hi Tim
    I have never written but I wanted to let you know that I am reading and praying everyday. May God continue to carry you through the days.

    Lissa from North Dakota

  13. My heart aches for you! Thinking of you every day. God bless!

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  15. "Firsts" are so hard after losing a dear one.
    Good thing you were surrounded by friends.

    just a humble piece of advice: whenever i have hard days, i always think: "tomorrow will be another day" meaning today's struggle is impermament and tomorrow i will start anew leaving the previous worries behind. of course this is not 100% applicable in your case, but you may want to might help a tiny bit.

    love and hugs